Co- Parenting, the worst, most heartbreaking, soul searching thing i’ve ever done. Giving up my Daughter for a day, an evening, a weekend crucifies me. It makes my heart ache, my head hurt and my days feel empty. That’s as honest as it gets. I spend the majority of my time with my little girl and for 3 years it’s all i’ve known. I’m social, love going out with friends but ultimately being with P makes me feel happy, loved and i’ve absolutely put my all into being her parent.
I am a good Mummy, a loving Mummy and I adore being a Mummy. I love my Daughter, I’d give anything for her to be happy. I’ve had the luxury (yes luxury) of having 3 absolutely amazing years off with my Daughter, being a stay at home Mummy and literally loving life for which I’m eternally grateful. Don’t get me wrong there have been hard times, some days were/are a really tough slog. Now, as that comes to a close and I fend for myself and give up the stay at home role and make a life for me and my Daughter I am beyond sad, if not already defeated.
P is my everything, she makes me laugh, smile and love life. She has probably consumed me more than i’d normally admit, but she doesn’t make me. I’m still a friend, a Daughter and the Rosie I was before underneath. I’m the first to admit I put her first in everything I do, I think about her future and her life everyday of the week. I look back on the time we spent together as a family and now not having that I’m thrown into the unknown and a life where I have so much uncertainty.
I never for one minute envisioned a life where she grew up with separated parents, I’ve grown up in such a loving home with both my parents, that the unknown is scary. I hate the idea of not knowing what she’s doing, not kissing her goodnight and not being there for her like I so badly wish. Simple as that. It’s very slowly eating away at my heart, everyone says it gets easier, I can only hope that they are right and soon i’ll love my own space and a time to do as I wish.
I obviously want her to have a relationship with her Daddy, want her to love him like I love mine and I would never ever get in the way of their relationship, that being said it doesn’t make it any easier. Whilst I’m surviving and just about keeping my head above water as long as P thinks i’m happy then i’m doing my best. I didn’t choose for this, it’s changed me, nowhere near as carefree as I was, let’s hope it has made me stronger because something good must come from the bad.